Ramblings of a sad person

(Just to warn you, this is a long and rambling post with no particular point. I just needed to get this out)

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I try to remember how lucky I am to have the life I have. I have a great family, great friends, a safe and happy place to live, a job I like etc etc.

But when I get in a mood like I am today, none of that matters. In fact, that probably makes things worse because I feel so guilty, so ungrateful that I am unhappy when I have so much.

Today I feel very low, lost and lonely. I know that when I am over tired, I feel worse. I know that at the moment I am over tired.

But I have this pent up energy inside me – a negative energy, that I don’t know how to release. I feel so angry, so much pain and a lot of sadness. I feel frustrated about small things that don’t matter, but most of all I am angry with myself. I hate myself for not being ok. I hate myself for being depressed when I have such a good life. I hate myself and feel embarrassed that 9 months after the break up I’m still sitting on my bedroom floor crying tonight.

I don’t want to need him. I don’t want to need anyone but I feel so stuck. I know I need to learn to be happy in myself. I know that there are actually times when I feel quite good. I know this will pass.

I know all of this but none of it helps.

I know that what I really need is a good nights sleep and to wake up refreshed tomorrow. I also know that when I feel like this, the chance of that happening is slim to none.

I am trying to distract myself. I did a mindfulness meditation, it actually helped a bit but now the crying has started and there’s no end in sight!

The people I usually talk to when I’m feeling really down are on holiday at the moment, and I don’t want to bother them while they’re away.

I wrote in my journal which helped a bit but I don’t know how to stop. So here I am typing away on my phone. Writing a post of rambling that I don’t know if I’ll post.

Sometimes letting it all out helps. Maybe I needed a cry. Maybe things have been bubbling for too long and the pressure has built up and needed to be released.

I have also had 3 or 4 weeks without a therapy session. My next one is Wednesday, so not long to go.

I want to be ok. I want to have my shit together. I want to be over the break up. I want to be positive, look forward to the future and appreciate all the good.

Tomorrow is new week, a new day. Let’s hope for a good one!

Love,

Ellie xx